Embracing the Silence Part 2

I considered my mind to be quiet for a long time, just because silence was all there was for me.

Until I woke up to the noise. I used overthinking as an unconscious means to run away from the silence.

In 2019, I discovered meditation and transcended many levels thanks to my ability to turn off sound, but what I was not prepared for was the noise I faced as a result.

Did I know Silence all my life?

Yes! Regardless, I did everything I could to avoid it because it was the very thing that meant I was different. It was painful to sit in silence because I was afraid of it. Afraid I would miss something out there. Afraid I wasn’t doing enough. Afraid I would fail. Afraid I was, of course, different.

“I have to keep moving,” I thought, making up every excuse in the world to neglect my mental health and this idea of being different—just to avoid the pain of confronting it.

I became an overthinker because that kept me from experiencing me.

I had zero idea how to cope with it, so I created toxic patterns just to avoid it and its cause.

That miserable, draining silence.

I wore hearing aids since I was two years old, and decided I would leave them in, no matter what. Sitting in silence reminded me of what I couldn’t do: be like them.

I was afraid of being made fun of; I desperately wanted to hear. I had a burning desire to be the same as everyone else. To me, being different meant I had to deal with pain. So instead of dealing with it, I ran away and looked to others for answers.

I honestly believed that someone, anyone, would have the answers. Anyone but me.

So, I neglected my true self and ran away. Instead of clearing my mind, I accepted it all as truth. Everyone I listened to, I made sure I heard every word, because they had to have the answers. They had to be true.

Toxic or non-toxic, I believed it all—-until life taught me otherwise. 

I almost lost my life when I woke up, because what I woke up to was beyond painful. It embodied every ounce of my being.

At that moment I became two people: One that would keep running from pain, thus creating more of it, and one who wanted to transmute it and create love instead. It was toxic. Neither side of me would listen to the other—they were just constantly fighting, each trying to tear the other apart. Listen to this enough and you will go crazy.

I soon discovered I was slowly dying from mental illness. My life was becoming, if it had not already been for years, a mixture of anxiety, stress, depression, and other health issues. I developed a propensity to rage due to the anger I suppressed. I was never allowed to express myself as a child, and I learned that the only way to behave was to “shove it.”

And so, I did. At least until I couldn’t hold it anymore.

When I finally reached that breaking point, the people I loved had to deal with it.

“There goes Nicole!” the kids would scream, “She’s mad! Run!”

I calmed down a little as I became an adult, at least for a time. Good things don’t tend to last, however, and life kicked in and the anger boiled over. When this occurred, I would blame my anger on “others that created it.”

I never understood that I was the one creating it all along. I honestly believed others had to change for me to improve. 

The problem was that when I expressed myself, instead of love, I was met with hate, frustration, and more anger. And because I was stubborn, I could never understand why, and the pattern kept repeating. How was I supposed to learn if no one ever taught me?

Eventually, I became self-taught and was forced to learn from my own mistakes.

I soon found myself completely alienated from my family and friends. I never understood the pain they caused me, because I was totally unaware of what I was creating. My own beliefs about myself made others angry or frustrated because I was so much more than what I thought of myself as I was embracing silence.

I put unfair pressure on others instead of providing compassion and understanding, and because of this, I created an identity that was nowhere near my true self. Because of my ingrained pattern to avoid pain, I constantly changed myself to accommodate others. I tried to be a bright light, and I was to an extent, but I was blinded and could only see pain, of which I avoided at all costs. And because I avoided it, I would only experience more.

So, I became a hermit—a recluse—shutting off my light to the world so only a few could see. I began to believe it was me that was a problem, and I battled suicidal thoughts because I saw no other way out. I was scared to talk to anyone because the only answer I ever got was medicine. I knew there had to be another way, but sometimes I honestly wanted to give it all up. 

That being said, I recently made a huge discovery, one that changed my life.

Stay tuned for more…& embrace silence…..

The Power of a Mentor/Coach

I owe everything to my mentor, who has guided me through the toughest of times and inspired me to create a life I truly love. It would be an honor to do the same for you.

If you would like to create a life you would love to have, like I have done, consider hiring a Mindset Coach to help guide you.

Investing in yourself will be the wisest and most prosperous thing you have ever done—I know this from experience. For more information on my coaching services or to hire me for a speaking engagement, check out my website www.iamnicolereina.com. Also, apart from this, for any more information and for any healing process, you can get in touch with Attracting Grace.

Cheers to Love, Light, and Higher Truth—

Nicole 🫶