Addicted to Attracting Pain

My mind is often dead silent, but for my entire life I believed every thought that would occasionally drift into my mind. As a result, many of those thoughts became a toxic habit that manifested into concrete beliefs with automatic behaviors. I was a constant reactor to my environment.

When I was seven, I decided I was going to marry a foreigner. And to do this I was going to “be a somebody,” which in my mind meant a very powerful woman. I believed that this meant I had to be educated, so I excelled in school with my head buried in a book.

By the time I was in 7th grade, I had all my high school classes planned out. By my sophomore year I was already planning college. After that, it was a career, then marriage, then family, and FINALLY I would be the person I wanted to be. I would have the perfect career, perfect money, perfect husband, and perfect kids — all in all, a perfect life.

Except I could never find it.

Even when it was right under my nose and I was already living it, it was never good enough.

I was completely unaware of my self-sabotaging behaviors, with my own stubbornness and judgement of others causing me great pain. And since I had no clue how to deal with said pain, and because most of my world was frustrated with me, my own frustration and self-hatred grew.

What many people failed to realize was how different my environment was with a profound hearing challenge that I never accepted, causing me to become deeply ashamed of even having it. I never asked for assistance, and I was constantly smiling through pain. People never had the thought that I ever had any needs.

I did — I just denied them to avoid feeling shame.

And because I had a great need to belong in my dysfunctional family, I made poor decisions to gain love and favor. When my attempts earned me only frustration and anger, I believed it was me. It HAD to be me. I was the only one that was different.

I had a handicap that I saw as ugly and resisted every chance I got. I hid all my pain behind a smile in a desperate attempt for peace and I worked hard. Hard enough to push past the feelings fighting within me to make myself a proficient and independent individual.

I became addicted to attracting pain without even realizing it.

As a result, running was a favorite activity of mine, both literal and metaphorical. You can probably guess why.

I ran from my feelings by becoming as busy as I could be. The pain was difficult to bear, so I felt there was no other choice. It was tough at home, tough at school… it was as if there were no sanctuary left on earth for me. Where do I go? What could I do?

I needed to escape the toxicity of my home, so I took up running. I would run for miles and miles without stopping. I even ran away from home, once. I was forced to go back of course — realizing the only option I had was to sleep on the street, which didn’t seem any more appealing.

I became a member of 30 clubs in high school. I took more electives than required in college. I worked more hours than I could count. I took on way more than I could handle in a desperate attempt to get to where I wanted to go faster. To run. To escape. To find that sanctuary — anything. Anything at all.

I believed that If I was productive enough, if I was “doing” enough, then I was making progress. I believed that the more I took on and the faster I completed it, my happiness would arrive that much faster.

People tried to tell me otherwise for years.

And what did I do?

I judged them for their own lack and discounted perfectly good truth until I finally reached my breaking point.

I see now that my mind is silent because I have automated so many self-sabotaging beliefs. My thoughts constantly bypassed to automatic action, creating emotion in my body that I took action to release which would in turn created unfavorable experiences.

Thus, reinforcing the original toxic belief.

The only thing left for me to do is accept the dysfunctional parts of me that I created.

This is where I am, and I have the power to change my reality.

It’s our perception that determines what we see, so if I want love, I must learn and practice perceiving love instead of anger. Practice forgiveness instead of hate and practice visualizing how it feels to be loved and happy.

Because this is how I can create it. By believing it is here now, and I have the capability of experiencing it in the way I want to.

All it takes is exercising my will, and I’m glad to have come to that conclusion after so long. I have a willingness now to accept my shortcomings and forgive myself for the pain I have caused others through my own misunderstandings.

All I have ever wanted was to be loved and be happy.

And you know what? That’s all anyone else wants too.

Now I know where my focus has been and why my choices have never manifested completely. I make goals and strive to meet them, but I created them for the wrong reasons and never quite completed them.

Why?

Mostly to PROVE that I am good enough. To prove I am worthy enough to be here in this world. To belong. To be significant. To be that “somebody” I was always dreaming of.

I was always having to get somewhere. I never stopped to think about what I was doing and recognize exactly what I was creating until what I didn’t want showed up or I got struck with the very pain I wanted so desperately to avoid. I would complain and get angry because “I was doing so much work” and “it wasn’t fair.”

I blamed all of this on my own physical challenges. I believed everyone else had it so much easier and I played the victim, always asking “Why did everyone else have it easier?”

I see this clearly now, and I commit to shifting my reality.

I fully commit to becoming the love I so desperately sought for years.

I commit to living a life I love.

To being the Predominant Creator in my life.

To being my true nature and purpose.

And to being healthy and vital.

I must BE it to SEE it, and the only thing for me to be is Love.

The rest will follow.

Through my experiences I already know I am very capable, more than enough, and that I belong. I am abundant, I am significant, and I am worthy. I finally love where I am because I choose to. I love where I am going. And I now have a new love and a new level of compassion for every single person on this planet.

We are all just trying to make it. We are all the same souls living a human experience through choices made by free will.

We ALL experience pain. None “worse” than others.

We all need and want love.

So do I.

And this time I am giving it with all my heart.

Step into the realm of infinite possibilities and watch your life transform before your eyes. Let’s attract grace together!